“Society is a playwright so proud of his work that even the slightest deviation from the script drives him to retaliate with the force of a natural disaster, judging blindly and killing all in his path.” — Tommy MaverickMy Productions
I’m lonely. I’m single, and it’s not so bad, but I want to feel close to someone again… I don’t want to rush into anything and I’m scared that I’m never going to really be over my ex. I’ve made lots of progress when it comes to being single. I’m not scared to talk to new people and I’m not scared of loving someone new, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I need to learn how to grind and become comfortable doing that with people. I need to let people know when I’m attracted to them. I need to drive at least once a week. I need to grow as a person and become a better man. I need to understand the concept of partnership. I need to be loved.
I need someone to love. I need something to fight for. I need something to live for… But right now, it’s probably better if I love myself, fight for my dreams, and live for the experience of life!
But deep down… all I want is to be with someone who makes me happy. No matter how much of a fucking player I seem…
I just want to fall in love again.
I don’t want to be cold anymore.
I can’t even lie about it. hahaha I know, she’s too young… I can wait. No worries. haha
I had never seen anything other than the train scene and the part where Babydoll stabs Blue (that fact that I remember the characters names means that I really fucking liked this movie). I guess that this is because I missed the chance to see it in theaters with my friends and then always caught it at these points in the story when it was on TV. Basically, I did not expect to react the way that I did when the movie ended… I heard this line and started fucking CRYING HYSTERICALLY:
It just resonated with me so fucking much. Like, not even just that line, but the whole idea of being “trapped” and needing to escape. Like, I have people in my life that I can’t escape from… It’s not someone that’s trying to sexually assault me or anything like that, but it is so tough to endure. It’s one of the few movies that I never expected I’d really just GET… The other movies are “Whip It”, “American Beauty”, “Dead Poet’s Society”, and “The Last Samurai”. haha Pretty much all my favorite movies. If I am crying after seeing it and I feel like the movie was made just so I could hear that one line that changes my life, then it gets added to this list.
But yeah, I’ve been crying a lot recently for some reason… just about every day this week. Nothing even happened really… I’ve just been really sad, but not all the time… It just happens randomly. I’ll be fine and then all of a sudden just start crying. Like, last night, I was at a party, but then when I left, I just BROKE DOWN. It was terrible. It happened in a public place too, so I was pretty embarrassed, but whatever, I was drunk (I’m not seriously saying that being drunk is an excuse for anything. Just being facetious). haha It’s not very awesome, and I am sorry to anyone who has seen this happen. haha This emotion all started two weeks ago, the day that I did shrooms for the first time. It’s not because of the shrooms though… It’s because of what I LEARNED when I did them. The learning started the night before this though, when I had my friends over. We played Dance Central and drank alcohol, which was super fun. In the middle of all the fun though, I realized that I seriously NEVER get to see my friends. Kind of like the way that an old person that had been abandoned in some old people’s home would start to reminisce about about the old days… Like, when all their friends are dead and all they have left is the memories of everything they did together. Really depressing, but it’s the only accurate description. haha When I woke up the next day, this was the first thing I thought about.
So the next night, I went to a club (which I know is not a good place to do shrooms, but I wasn’t taking that much… like a gram) and decided to take the shrooms I had. I took some E too so I could dance, and I had a lot of fun, even though it was super crowded in there. By the end of the night, I learned so much about myself and all the things that were WRONG with my life. And so that’s what started the whole emotional thing. haha And then watching Suckerpunch made me write this whole thing… So yeah.
but now all I want is to be in a relationship… Hahaha But then, once I get in a relationship, I’ll want random sex… It’s so stupid. The way my mind works really fucks me over sometimes. There are times when my mind amazes others, but I’ll be honest, the closer you are to me, the harder it is to be with me. I’m just a very complicated person! I want to be so much simpler, but I don’t understand simple.
All I want right now is someone to cuddle with, but I don’t have anyone to do that with at the moment. It will be a while before I do. Haha I feel ready for a relationship, but I know I’m not. I also want to have sex with random people, but I know I’m not really ready for that either. I’m not ready for anything, so fuck it, I might as well do SOMETHING! the plan for today is to get really drunk with my friends. Won’t get me any sex, but at least I’ll have fun!
Alright, it’s time to start my two hour workout!
It’s so fucking annoying. If I text someone, I want to fucking talk to them. I want to chat. Haha I can understand if you’re working, sleeping, eating, or don’t want to talk to me, but at least tell me that you’re not gonna reply, or text me something that I CAN’T REPLY to like “k” or “lol”.
That’s just what I think.
I always fucking reply to texts, even if I don’t want to. Even if I’m busy. Give me the same kind of courtesy.
I want you to know that I’ve been writing fucking tons… like maybe 5 or 6 blog posts… but I just fucking hated them, so I didn’t post ‘em. I’m currently very frustrated with myself creatively… I’m not STUCK, but I kind of feel freaking stale. I feel like it’s not worth it to put myself out there… I don’t even know why that is. I know for a fact that the only way I’m ever going to get people to support what I do is to put myself out there… so I NEED to keep working. I NEED to keep writing and making music and making videos and I NEED to get people to pay attention.
I’m just so unsatisfied with my personal life, and it gets in the way. To be honest, I want things to get a lot more simple, and I want to make more money, and have more sex. I also want to have more interesting conversations with people. I also really want to meet more people that UNDERSTAND ME. That’s really so important to me right now… and I hope that I can find that.
Also, I guess I have a car, kinda… So now I can go places, but I want to show that I’m responsible… I WANT a way to pay for this car… Right now, it’s being paid for, but I’m ALWAYS fucking being paid for. I feel like a fucking kid. I just want to feel like I’m 21, but this economy, this society, this era, this phase in my life, and my lack of a job keeps me from that. My fucking mindset is wrong for the age that I am… and I wish that I didn’t feel so LEFT BEHIND or fucking behind in general. People my age are supposed to be fucking finishing up college and meeting someone that they’d like to date for the long-term…. I’m over here basically a college dropout with no money and barely any real friends, as well as sexually-deprived, and romantically destitute. Fucking BULLSHIT. I’m so tired of it… and I want this life to fucking change. I know that I have to make it change, but I don’t know what the fuck to do.
I can’t feel satisfied no matter what I do. Nothing is enough for me.
Ahh, that feels much better.